Crestfallen

“Crestfallen”

…

This word sounds christmas-sy to me.

At first I liked hearing it

especially that I’m so fond of Christmas and stuff relating to it.

I honestly don’t know why.

But as soon as I realized the real meaning of it, I cringed.

Not because I didn’t like it

but because it tells me of “me”

 

As I’m writing this, I feel so lonely.

I feel so empty.

I feel like God is gripping loosely on the tip of my shirt

and anytime soon, he’s letting go.

I’ve been the worst person I used to hate back then

I never thought I’d be

Who would? Nobody would even wish to

But that’s the  irony of my life.

And I’m so tired

I am tired

I want to get up

But my bed trapped me with its blankets

I feel so down

and ashame

I haven’t gone to God for so long

It’s a shame

And it hurts

People would wonder how painful shame is, they wouldn’t understand

just as I used to…

Nobody understands me

Should I give up?

But I couldn’t afford to loose what I’ve already invested

On the other hand, I’m too tired to move along

My life’s in trouble

more than I am

I’ve long been a sinner

Too long I couldn’t remember whence I’ve last tried not to sin

And these sins haunt my days to my dreams

I never had a good sleep

of which I could only have sound and peaceful sleep

without the thought of acceptance

from myself and anyone

I’m tired of this sin-wrecked life

I’m tired of seeing myself boned by sin

I’m tired of competing with everybody by holiness when inside I know I’ve never been

Holy?

Righteous?

Godly?

Pure?

Dedicated?

I’m too ashamed to put any of it before my name

The crown’s too heavy to bear for this sin-crippled little child

 

I want to leave

I want to leave this house

But I know it won’t do anything good especially for my sister

But leaving the sins

leaving the sinful life I’ve always enjoyed

Yes, life filled with temporal joys and lust is exciting

but there’s nothing greater than a life of peace

of pure joy

of love for God

of  truest faith

of hopefulness

of no shame for the character

 

I want to live the right way

I want to live a peaceful life

I want to be known

not by everyone

but by God

as a struggling crippled child

waiting to be carried away to His kingdom

 

Oh, Lord! Yes, carry thou this sin-darkened soul

it’s too ashame to present itself to you

itself of which rags are better

Please, dear Lord! I beg of thee

For I cannot speak this out to thee

Thy kingdom is too priceless for me, I could never afford

Please make me thine, I pray

that these chains around this leper be dismissed

and help me re-dedicate my life to thee

To none can I tell this but you

for thou alone art able to save

let this crestfallen-ness be replaced with jubilance

that I may serve thee with all of my heart…