This word sounds christmas-sy to me.
At first I liked hearing it
especially that I’m so fond of Christmas and stuff relating to it.
I honestly don’t know why.
But as soon as I realized the real meaning of it, I cringed.
Not because I didn’t like it
but because it tells me of “me”
As I’m writing this, I feel so lonely.
I feel so empty.
I feel like God is gripping loosely on the tip of my shirt
and anytime soon, he’s letting go.
I’ve been the worst person I used to hate back then
I never thought I’d be
Who would? Nobody would even wish to
But that’s the irony of my life.
And I’m so tired
I am tired
I want to get up
But my bed trapped me with its blankets
I feel so down
I haven’t gone to God for so long
It’s a shame
And it hurts
People would wonder how painful shame is, they wouldn’t understand
just as I used to…
Nobody understands me
Should I give up?
But I couldn’t afford to loose what I’ve already invested
On the other hand, I’m too tired to move along
My life’s in trouble
more than I am
I’ve long been a sinner
Too long I couldn’t remember whence I’ve last tried not to sin
And these sins haunt my days to my dreams
I never had a good sleep
of which I could only have sound and peaceful sleep
without the thought of acceptance
from myself and anyone
I’m tired of this sin-wrecked life
I’m tired of seeing myself boned by sin
I’m tired of competing with everybody by holiness when inside I know I’ve never been
I’m too ashamed to put any of it before my name
The crown’s too heavy to bear for this sin-crippled little child
I want to leave
I want to leave this house
But I know it won’t do anything good especially for my sister
But leaving the sins
leaving the sinful life I’ve always enjoyed
Yes, life filled with temporal joys and lust is exciting
but there’s nothing greater than a life of peace
of pure joy
of love for God
of truest faith
of no shame for the character
I want to live the right way
I want to live a peaceful life
I want to be known
not by everyone
but by God
as a struggling crippled child
waiting to be carried away to His kingdom
Oh, Lord! Yes, carry thou this sin-darkened soul
it’s too ashame to present itself to you
itself of which rags are better
Please, dear Lord! I beg of thee
For I cannot speak this out to thee
Thy kingdom is too priceless for me, I could never afford
Please make me thine, I pray
that these chains around this leper be dismissed
and help me re-dedicate my life to thee
To none can I tell this but you
for thou alone art able to save
let this crestfallen-ness be replaced with jubilance
that I may serve thee with all of my heart…